Just in time for the 2024 Summer Olympics, let us take a moment to reflect on what it might look like if there were a Southern Olympics every four years.
If the South ever decided to host its own sporting extravaganza, you can bet your last butter bean it wouldn’t look anything like those fancy international Olympics. No sir, the Dixie Games would be a homegrown celebration of Southern skills, traditions, and good old-fashioned gumption.
Biscuit Architecture: Forget high jumps and pole vaults. In this event, contestants race to build the tallest, sturdiest biscuit tower. Extra points for flakiness and structural integrity under gravy assault.
Kudzu Clearing Sprint: Athletes armed with nothing but determination and gardening shears race to clear a patch of the South’s most persistent vine. First one to daylight wins.
Sweet Tea Brewing Decathlon: Ten rounds of tea brewing, each more challenging than the last. From sun tea to electric kettle, contestants must prove their mastery of the South’s favorite beverage.
Porch Settin’ Endurance Challenge: Last one rocking wins in this test of Southern fortitude. Contestants are judged on form, storytelling ability, and hand-fan technique.
Chicken Wrangling Relay: Teams must catch, crate, and transport uncooperative chickens across an obstacle course. Style points awarded for creative clucking.
Peach Pit Spittin’: Distance and accuracy challenges showcase this time-honored Southern skill. Wind resistance calculations are critical.
Dueling Banjos: A test of musical skill and stamina as contestants try to out-pick each other in marathon banjo sessions.
These Dixie Games would showcase the unique skills cultivated in the South, celebrating the region’s culture with a heaping helping of good humor. It’s not about gold medals or world records, but about coming together to enjoy the simple pleasures and homegrown talents that make the South special.
